Don’t Leave Those Tricky Conversations about Care – Things I Wish I had known – Frances’ Story
Mum met Dad through the local dramatics group ‘The Guild Players’ at Finchley Methodist Church in the late 1950’s. Mum, ‘Ingrid’ as she was known, had come over in 1958 from her hometown of Osnabrueck in northern Germany. Ingrid came over to look after the 3 children of Renie and Laurie, founding members of The Guild Players. Was it love and first sight? I never knew, but it became one of the lasting love stories within the church membership over the years. This is my story about having those tricky conversations about care early!
My Parents
Ingrid and Harvey, let me introduce you to dad, one of 5 children to the Reverend Harry Johnson and Kathleen Carter, married on 27th September 1962 at the church where they met. In the years that followed they both became active members within the church community with Dad singing bass in the church choir. Mum baked cakes for church events and made the traditional German ‘Adventkranz’ or Advent Wreath. This adorned the baptismal font every Christmas without fail.
Their Children
Katharine Helen was born on 18th September 1965 in a small flat in Holdenhurst Avenue, North Finchley which had its own adopted ginger tomcat ‘Roger the Lodger’. Frances Anne (me) was born less than 12 months later. But by this time, the family had outgrown the flat in Holdenhurst Avenue. So with the help of Sidney Broadway (my Godfather) who lent them £500.00, the final amount of money they needed to buy a house, they bought and moved to Finchley N12 a 3 bed terrace in the leafy suburb of North Finchley.
Mum and Dad were to spend the rest of their married lives together at ‘111’ as it became known. Fast forward 18 or so years, Katharine left to study Law at Warwick. Then a year later I moved to Leeds to study Textile Design. Everything was going smoothly, life was good, life had been kind to Ingrid and Harvey. There had been no major health problems over the years. Both having now retired and enjoying walking holidays in the Dales. 30 or so years later Katharine was now living in the London Borough of Camden and I had moved from Leeds to Stroud and then onto Gloucester.
The Start of those Tricky Conversations about Care
In February 2016, Dad was diagnosed with blood myeloma. I remember the day clearly. It was the evening, Andrew was teaching singing in the front room. I was in the kitchen tidying up after our evening meal. The phone rang, it was Dad, he said, “Now I don’t want you to worry (famous last words), but I have cancer”. “I’ll be alright”. Dad was always so ‘matter of fact’, no mincing of words, just straight to the point, like the bank manager he was – like a bullet!
Dad was old school – nothing that happened in the home was discussed out with. Mum was not allowed to talk about his cancer, and she wouldn’t go behind his back, even though he had been given leaflets about Macmillan and Marie Curie, Mum was not to get in touch with them, and she didn’t. It, the Cancer was not talked about, no one in the church knew apart from the Vicar and he was sworn to secrecy.
What happened next?
Roll on 2 years 3 months. I was visiting Mum and Dad in London with my husband, Andrew.
Dad was very poorly by this time, he had endured so much, rounds of monthly radio and chemotherapy and then lots of pills. He wouldn’t allow Mum to even go and sit with him to the hospital whilst he had the treatment. He’d also had a spell in hospital, but Mum wanted him home – so he was!
I remember the day clearly; we looked in on him sleeping in their bedroom. He awoke briefly, saw my husband Andrew standing at the foot of his bed and remarked “Oh, it’s you is it – what are you doing here?” Andrew replied, “I’ve come to give you a hard time”. Dad smiled and the only thing he said after that before he closed his eyes and slept was … “Your Mother is far worse than I am”.
Want to know what happens next? Then keep an eye out on our News items for our next instalment about having those tricky conversations about care!
About Caremark Cheltenham & Tewkesbury
At Caremark Cheltenham & Tewkesbury, we will help you with those tricky conversations about care – because we do actually care! They are certainly not easy conversations to undertake and that’s why we are here to help.