Frances’ Story – Talking About Care
Following on from Frances’ story in our previous article “Don’t Leave Those Tricky Conversations about Care“, we continue her story about how important it is to talk about care with your loved ones.
When Dad said “Your Mother is far worse than I am”, we didn’t think much of it at the time. But in the couple of years after his death we found out just what he meant! Dad had been shielding us from the fact that Mum was suffering from Dementia. We also found out that in true ‘old-fashioned style’, Dad had truly looked after Mum in every sense of the word.
Why its good to talk about care
Dad died on June 6th 2018 with Mum, Katharine and me standing around his bed. Mum said she thought the hospital had killed him as there were tubes in his nose. I assured her this was not the case, but it was an oxygen supply, nothing more!
Nothing was in place. My sister and I were blind, finding our way in the dark. Luckily the church rallied round and Dad had a good send off. However, that was only the start of things to come. Mum fell to pieces. The woman Katharine and I had known, the strong and devoted wife, mother, our Mum! The only thing that she had ever needed to worry about was whether she could shop in either Waitrose or Sainsbury’s and that she had enough money to pay for her shopping and bid for Italian blue and white Spode China on eBay.
She hadn’t got a clue about anything else at all. Mum was completely oblivious to how the household bills were paid and who she should call in if there was a problem with anything in the house. She hadn’t even ever fuelled up her car on a garage forecourt – “your dad took care of all that” she told me. He had!
Why it is important to talk about care
Neither of them had thought about the future and what it might hold for either of them. No thoughts about whether they might need extra support or care in the home. No one had thought about a Power of Attorney. There were no funeral or cremation plans. Nothing was in place for the inevitable. Everything had been shoved under the carpet. None of those tricky or difficult conversations had been had, the ‘what if’s’ had not been addressed.
At a very difficult time in our lives my sister and I were having to deal with all of this, trying to help Mum, help her with her finances and keep her safe in the home. I’d travel to London from Gloucester for a weekend each month to ‘un-muddle’ the muddles that my mother got into.
“Let’s talk about care Mum”
But Mum was lonely. She was a proud woman, she didn’t want any help in the home. She didn’t want any help full stop! But in the following months one of Dad’s oldest friends, Jim, suggested she get someone in to help her. Jim’s wife, Anthea, had died several years prior, and he had organised for someone to come in and help him ever since. Sure enough, and to our great surprise, she did! Amanda started coming for 3 hours each week. Amanda wasn’t allowed to do anything. Mum didn’t need any help. Amanda came for a chat and a cup of tea!
When we were growing up, neither Mum or Dad had really gone in for keeping fit or keeping active; Mum didn’t really like walking. Why walk when you have a car?! In her early 60’s their local gym was the David Lloyd. She went once with Dad, but never again! So when Dad died, she became even more reliant on using the car for going everywhere and doing everything.
Accidents can happen
Mum fell and broke her hip on the way to her local corner shop on 3rd February 2020. She had a hip replacement and remained in hospital for 6 weeks. Mum changed and became ‘nasty’. She said horrible things about the nurses that were caring for her, accusing them of many things and she became verbally racist towards them. She said some horrible things to me about my sister and also to her face. Who would have known that our Mum, Ingrid, could be like this? She didn’t know, she didn’t realise and couldn’t remember anyway. It wasn’t Mum anymore!
Don’t leave it too late
Mum died on 31st March 2020. A week after the first lockdown. We’d just had a stair lift installed at home and an extra banister rail fitted and grab rails installed in the main bathroom. She had been due to come out of hospital with a full care package, but she didn’t really understand what that meant. Mum was one of the first 7000 victims of Covid.
2 weeks later she had a cremation with 4 family members present.
Could it have been different? Perhaps! Could we have prevented the Cancer or Dementia? No! Could we have shielded Mum from Covid 19? No, but we tried and we thought she would be safe in hospital!
That’s why its so important to talk about care. Plans can be made and put in place to help and support those who need it in times of heartache.
I have a Will and a funeral plan. I have a Power Of Attorney. When my time comes, my children will know what I want.
About Caremark Cheltenham & Tewkesbury
At Caremark Cheltenham & Tewkesbury, we will help you when you talk about care with your loved one – because we do actually care! They are certainly not easy conversations to undertake, and that’s why we are here to help.