Understanding Your Parents Changing Needs

Understanding how your parents are thinking, and more importantly, feeling, about their changing needs and declining abilities as they get older is an important lesson we must all learn if we’re to provide the help and support they need and require. From the outside children can often feel that rushing in and taking over is the right thing to do if they spot that their parents are struggling, but it can backfire if you fail to consider the complex whirl of emotions that can surround how people deal with the effects of getting older.

Find out how they feel

The truth is that acknowledging you need help with the business of daily life is really, really hard for people as they get older. Elderly parents are often aware of the effects that asking for help can have on their family relationships and are often torn when it comes to weighing the pros and cons of family caregiving. Studies have shown that older parents can use a variety of strategies to deal with their feelings, such as minimizing the help they receive, ignoring or resisting children’s attempts to help, withholding information from children to maintain clear boundaries, and seeking others to confide in.

Accept that things are changing

While it might seem obvious or natural for you to step in, this can highlight to the parent their declining abilities and each person will react to this differently. Some people are quite relaxed about the aging process, accepting it as part of the natural order of things. Others can react with anger and frustration especially if illnesses or diseases develop which can hasten their physical or mental decline. Taking the opportunity to discuss their feelings early can help enormously if you feel they are ready to discuss their hopes and fears openly.

You should consider the impact on a parent who may think this as the beginning of the end of their independence. Approaching you parents in a low-key, respectful and understanding manner from the start can help reduce an older parent’s fears of feeling micromanaged and avoid damaging your relationships.

Don’t be afraid to be honest

Of course, if your Mum or Dad don’t have realistic expectations of what they can do for themselves, you will need to find a way of gently helping them see your perspective. Showing your genuine concern for their well-being is often the best way to get your point across. If they won’t accept your help, then ask who they would accept help from. Sometimes parents are more accepting of outside help from professional caregivers hired through a home care company. This way parents get the assistance they need without it impacting their relationships with their children. Regardless of what the solution is, make sure you work together to address the problem at hand.