5 Tips for Helping Aging Parents Without Taking Over

Realising that an aging parent (or parents) is struggling at home and could do with some help with everyday tasks like preparing meals, managing medication or getting around is something that many people will face at some stage. Sometimes this a view that elderly parents will agree with, but not always, and sometimes suggesting help at home can be unwelcome or misinterpreted, instead of being seen as supportive. It can be a difficult conversation and knowing how to approach aging parents, especially if they’re reluctant to ask for, or accept, help from others can help enormously. Let’s look at a few ways to handle the situation without coming across as condescending or making them angry.

1. Let your parents take the lead

When possible, do tasks alongside your parents instead of for them. While this approach might take longer, you allow Mum and Dad to retain some of their independence. This can have beneficial effects on your parents’ self-esteem and keep their functional abilities sharp.

Once you begin doing things for your parents it can quickly become the norm, meaning more work for you and potentially hastening their own decline if they begin to expect their family caregivers to take over. Your goal should be to extend their independence, not encourage their dependence on you.

2. Don’t force help on your parents

Let your parents know you CAN help, if, and when they need it and also that it’s not a problem for you. Better still, offer to help with part of a task, but, try to limit your assistance to just those things, at least for now.

Sometimes parents have a hard time asking for assistance directly, so listen carefully when Mum or Dad shares their feelings and experiences with you. If they describe anxieties or frustrations surrounding a particular task, ask if they could use your help. Even if they do not accept, you will have made it known that you are interested in their well-being and you’re willing to support them. Simply knowing that someone cares and listens to them is very important to many older adults. Feel free to repeat the offer as needed, but don’t force the issue unless their safety or livelihood is at stake.

3. Give them space

Ask permission before you just jump in. For example, if you take your parent to a doctor’s appointment, don’t just assume that they want you to come into the examination room with them. Instead, ask if they’d like you to be there the whole time, or if you should just come in toward the end of the visit to make sure YOUR questions are answered.

Remember that your parents are still your parents no matter how old they are or how their abilities change. They deserve respect and dignity. As frustrating as trying to care for aging parents can be, do your best to avoid being critical or demeaning. While many people characterise caring for an aging parent as a “role reversal,” it’s important to understand that older people are not children who need “parenting.” Aging is tough and older people usually don’t mean to be difficult on purpose. Keep in mind that the more you insist on controlling a particular situation, the more likely Mum and Dad can be to resisting your “help.”

4. Create a support system

Instead of just moving all the work on to yourself, you could help set-up up a small network of other people or organisations who your parents can turn to. This can include neighbours, friends or a trusted handyman, the church or any social clubs or societies they may be part of. You can also explore a medical alert system.

There are many security and health products that can help extend your elderly parents’ independence. Wearable pendants are relatively unobtrusive and can provide peace of mind for both you and your parents should they have a medical emergency or an accident like a fall. Look into devices, such as medication organisers and mobility aids, that can make everyday tasks easier for them. Simple home modifications like grab bars can provide added safety and security as well.

An occupational therapist can help you and your parents explore all options for helping them live as independently and safely as possible. If your Mum and Dad have the right equipment, then they can see to their own needs with minimal hands-on help. Embracing new ways of doing things is often a difficult sell for seniors, but many are eager to adapt if it means they are not depending on someone else for assistance.

5. Monitor the situation

Once you’ve noticed that things are changing, it’s important to monitor the situation. This is especially true if you spot signs that your parent is behaving recklessly, neglecting themselves or endangering their own safety, then stepping in is in their best interest and you may need to be more forceful about it. This scenario happens often when a parent is experiencing cognitive issues. People with Alzheimer’s disease or other forms of dementia may not be aware that their abilities have changed and continue trying to adhere to their normal routines even though it isn’t safe. Memory loss and poor judgement can make even the simplest daily activities risky or downright dangerous. At that point, it is your job to intervene despite their protests.

Make a distinction between safety and everything else. When your parent’s safety is on the line, you might just have to take charge by respectfully taking over. This isn’t about your preference that something be done a certain way or at a certain time. Let go of the things that do not matter and focus on the goal: keeping your parents, safe, healthy and happy.